Sneeze
by VampireApple
Summary: Hold your horses. I’ll tell you why I’ve been asking all these questions in a minute. Complete. Slight ExB
1. Edward and Jacob

Disclaimer: I, sadly, do not own anything to do with Twilight and New Moon, aside from the books. But, when I take over the world, I will own it all. And Johnny. I will own him too. Just watch.

Sneeze Edward and Jacob 

by **Vampire Apple**

"I fear one day I'll meet God, He'll sneeze and I won't know what to say."

-Ronnie Shakes

It was a quiet, peaceful summer day at the Swan household. Edward and Bella where on the beat up old couch in the living room, watching an old Johnny Depp movie. Bella was leaning against a pile of pillows with Edward's head in her lap. He was running her fingers though his bronze hair absent mindedly while watching the movie.

When Bella's hand stilled, Edward looked up at her to find her watching him keenly, a thoughtful look in her eyes.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"Can vampires sneeze?"

"… I don't think so."

"In all your years you don't ever remember sneezing?"

It was Edward's turn to look thoughtful. He sat up and held Bella's hand, tracing his finger over her blue veins.

"Honestly? No. I think it's still possible. Turning Vampire takes away all human weaknesses. Sneezing can be brought on by any number of things; allergies and sickness for example. Vampirism takes that away so I guess it takes away sneezing."

"But your sense of smell is really good, right?"

"Yes."

"So, don't you sometimes just smell something and…"

Edward looked up at Bella and smiled. "No, normally if we smell something strong, it's repulsive, but we don't sneeze."

"So even if I tried to make you sneeze, it wouldn't work?"

"Probably not," Edward agreed.

The two settled back into comfortable positions and rewound the movie. After a little more of the movie went by Bella asked;

"Do you think werewolves sneeze?"

This question earned Bella a reproachful and sour look rolled into one.

"I don't know and don't care."

"Well, I do. I'll call Jake and ask him."

At this last statement Edward growled and Bella got off the couch. Hearing Edward's growl Bella turned around and laughed at him.

"Don't worry Edward. I'm only going to ask him a question."

Bella went into the kitchen to the wall phone. She took the phone out of its cradle and dialed a number. Edward shifted slightly so he could keep _his _girlfriend in full view.

"Hello, Jake?"

With Edward's super hearing he could hear the other end.

"No, this is Billy. Who is this?"

"Bella, is Jake there? I'd like to ask him something."

"Hold on a moment. I'll see if he's in."

"Thank you Billy."

While she was waiting Bella blew a kiss to Edward and mouthed 'I love you'. Edward let an ounce of tension seep out of him at her gesture. He gave her a small smile in return.

"Bella"

"Hi Jake. Listen-"

"Bella, I'm really sorry about the bikes I-"

"It's fine Jake. I just have a question."

"Oh, okay. What is it?"

"Can werewolves sneeze?"

"Sneeze?"

"Yes, like achoo."

"Achoo?"

"Exactly."

"Um… I don't remember sneezing in the last few months…"

"Okay, thanks."

"Bella-"

"I'll talk to you later, okay? Bye."

Bella walked back to the couch and curled up with Edward, whom looked a little smug.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Are Vampire's ticklish?"


	2. Emmett and Embry

Disclaimer: I, sadly, do not own anything to do with Twilight and New Moon, aside from the books. But, when I take over the world, I will own it all. And a PS2. I will own that too. Just watch.

Also, I changed the beginning of the first chapter around a bit since this isn't a one shot any more. It looks more like this chapter. I caved to peer pressure, FYI. I was going to up-date next Thursday, but I got so many wonderful reviews, I'm up-dating now. The next chapter WILL be posted next Saturday.

Sneeze Emmett and Embry 

by **Vampire Apple**

"I'm tickled to death."

-Susan Hayward

It was a nice normal sunny summer day at the Cullen household, so every one was busy and happy. Carlisle had the day off so he and Esme where out working in her garden. Jasper and Alice where cuddling in the hammock in the yard. Rosalie was working on the family's cars while Edward was in the kitchen trying to make Paraguayan dish called Polenta de Choclo for Bella. A curse could be heard coming from the kitchen every two and a half minutes on the dot.

Bella and Emmett where in the lving room playing on his new PS3.

"Emmett?"

"Yah Bella?"

"Are vampires ticklish?"

"What?" Emmett was so surprised by the question he looked over at Bella. As he stared at her with his month slightly open as his player was cut in half. Turning back to the screen he yelled "No!"

"Oh. You're not?" Bella looked disappionted and pouty as she attacked another vertual bad guy.

"No, not that." Emmett hit the pause button and looked at Bella. "Why do you want to know?"

"Well, I asked Edward if vampires could sneeze and he said no. Then I asked Jake if-"

"The mongrel?"

"Yes, I asked if werewolves could sneeze and he said no. Then I asked Edward if vampires where ticklish and he just kissed he and told me to watch the movie."

"So now you're asking me."

"Precisely."

"Ticklish?"

"Yup."

"Why do you want to know?"

"You'll see."

"Well, I don't think I was ever very ticklish as a human so when I turned vampire I doubt that change. I don't ever remember… No, wait. There was this one time Alice tried to tickle Jasper. I remember him saying that he was very ticklish as a human. She had read a romance novel and she said there was a scene in there where the two lovers… um… showed affection for each other by tickling each other. Does that help?"

"So you guys aren't ticklish?"

"I'm guessing not."

"Well, that's okay."

Emmett watched as Bella got out of the beanbag chair she was sitting in and went over to the coffee table where a cordless phone rested. Picking it up she turned it on and dialed a number.

"Who are you calling?"

"Embry Call."

"Who's that?"

"A werewolf."

"Does Edward know you're talking with them?"

Bella didn't replay because a voice called over the speaker;

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Embry?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

"Bella Swan. I have a question to ask you."

"Bella Swan? How did you get my cell number? What question? Did Jake give you my number?"

"Yes, I have my ways, are werewolves ticklish and no. Respectively."

"What?"

"Are werewolves ticklish?"

"Why would you need to know that?"

"I told you, I have my reasons."

"Well, guys don't really tickle each other. That's more of a girl thing, ya know?"

"Please, just answer the question"

"Geez, are you bossy. Yes, I guess werewolves are ticklish. Why-"

"Alright. Thank you. Bye."

Bella hung up the phone and grinned at Emmett.

"Emmett?"

"Yes Bella?"

"Can vampires cough?"


	3. Jasper and Quill

Disclaimer: I, sadly, do not own anything to do with Twilight and New Moon, aside from the books. But, when I take over the world, I will own it all. And Barbara's books. I will own all of her book too. Just watch.

-sniff- I had this whole thing written out, then I deleted it. I am so mad at myself for that. Though this chapter is about a whole page longer then the original. And I am sorry about Jasper. He was crappy because all he wanted to do was read so he ended up a bit… weird.

Did I do something wrong? I got 22 reviews for the first chapter, and only 8 for chapter two. I got 590 hits for the first chapter and only 200 for the next. I'm not complaining, I'm appreciative for all my reviews, but is the second chapter not as good? Please, let me know.

Sneeze Jasper and Quill 

by **Vampire Apple**

"The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing."

-Benjamin Franklin

It was a quiet, peaceful summer day at the local Forks Library. Jasper had taken Bella, much to Edward's chagrin, to said library when he announced that he was going an asked if any one wanted to come. Both were now in the reading section of the one room library next the fireplace, which had a really fire going despite it being summer, reading.

Bella was in an over plush chair a few inches from Jasper's chair reading a Barbara Michaels' noval while Jasper was reading a thick Ancent Roman History book. Bella privetly wondered why Jasper would come here to check out a book when the library had such a poor collection and he could just buy what ever book he wanted. Though she didn't wonder to hard because she was completely content. Plus, she had a mission to under take and questions that needed to be anweared.

"Jasper?"

"Yes?"

"Can vampires cough?"

Jasper looked up from his book and raised an eyebrow at Bella.

"Coghing? So this is what Emmett was talking about."

"Yes, coughing. Wait, what did Emmett say?"

"He said you might come and ask me about the body functions of a vampire. I thought he was talking about something more… dirty."

"Oh. Well it is Emmett, to you never know. But no, I want to know about coughing."

"Why do you wish to know?"

"I have my reasons."

"Ah."

"Well you see, I had asked Edward if vampires could sneeze and he said no. Then I called Jake and asked him if werewolves could sneeze and he said no. Then I asked Edward if vampires where ticklish and he didn't answear. So the other day I asked Emmett if vampires were ticklish and he said no. Then I called Embry-"

"Who?"

"Another werewolf. I asked him if werewolves where ticklish and he said yes.

Then I asked Emmett if vampires could cough and he told me to keep playing the PS3 game."

"So now you are asking me."

"Yup."

"I have been around this Earth for over 140 years and have met many vampires in many different countries. During all that time, all those meeting and all thought countries I have not once heard or seen a vampire cough. Human body functions of that sort aren't normally talked about among vampires. Remember, most don't like humans, so I doubt they would be talking about them, other then how tasty they are."

At that last comment Jasper gave Bella a smile that could have been shy o show he was teasing.

"I think Edward could agree with you on how tasty humans are. But no coughing? Okay. Thank you."

"Are you going to call a werewolf now and asked him if he can cough?"

"Yup. Quill would know."

"Would you like to borrow my cell phone?"

"Yes please."

Jasper watched Bella a moment before reaching in his pocket to pull out his phone. Taking the portable communication deceive from Jasper, Bella beamed at him. She turned her full attention to the phone as she opened it and dialed a number. Someone answered after one ring.

"Jake, get your sorry butt don here, or we'll dive without you."

"I'm sorry, I'm not Jake. I'm Bella."

"Bella? As in Bella swan? As in the Suicidal Vampire Girl?"

"I resent the suicidal remark but yes."

"Oh."

"I have a question for you. Can werewolves cough?"

"What? Why do you need to ask that? It this a joke? Did Jake put you up to this? I'm going to kill him!"

"Can werewolves cough, I have my reasons, no, no and please don't."

"Oh."

"Well?"

"Well what? Oh. Um, I never really thought about it. Guys really don't focus on that kinda thing. Why do you need to know this again?"

"I told you, I have my reasons. Now please, answer my question."

"I thing we can. But why would you-"

"Thank you Quill. That's all I needed to know. Bye."

Bella snapped the phone shut and handed it to Jasper who gave her an amused look. Bella just gave him a grin that said I-Am-So-Good-But-You-Don't-Know-What-I'm-Up-To.

"How many more questions are you doing to ask?"

"One more."

"Are you going to ask me?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me to answer?"

"No."

"Alright."

"Jasper?"

"Yes?"

"Can vampires hiccup?"


	4. Carlisle and Sam

Disclaimer: I, sadly, do not own anything to do with Twilight and New Moon, aside from the books. But, when I take over the world, I will own it all. And David. I will own him and all his songs and movies too. Just watch.

I got the hiccup information about hiccups from my mom, who majored in biology in collage. If I miss quoted any information that is my fault because I only go a B in my high school bio class.

Also, the next chapter will be the last. And yes, ya'll will finally find out the answer why. Bella will reveal all.

Sneeze Carlisle and Sam 

by **Vampire Apple**

"In contrast, if he gets a shock from the device -- and this device can deliver the shock much like you see on 'ER' or something with paddles on the chest, the device does it from inside the heart -- then that is something that he will feel, and patients describe it anywhere from a giant hiccup to a mule kick in the chest,"

-Douglas Zipes

It was a quiet, dreary summer day at Forks Hospital. Bella had walked in and went directly to the nurse at the counter. She asked if Doctor Cullen was busy. When the reply was negative she asked the see him. When asked why she said she a sudden had urge to eat pickles. She explained this was not a good thing since she was deathly allergic to pickles. The nurse gave her an odd look and told her to sit down and Doctor Cullen would be with her in a few moments.

Bella felt a bit guilty because she neither want to eat pickles (she hated them) nor was she allergic to them. That guilty lessened when Carlisle appeared and took her to his office and disappeared when she stepped inside and heard a David Bowie song playing (although is awesome David Bowie he was nothing like Edward, or so Bella thought).

"Hello Bella. I'm guessing this visit has nothing to do with pickles."

Bella sat down in a plush chair and grinned at Carlisle.

"You'd guess right. This has nothing to do with my health, or the health of any human actually. I have a vampire question."

"Does Edward know you're here?"

"No. But you see, he wouldn't answear my question. Emmett and Jasper wouldn't either."

"I see. Now, why wouldn't they anwear a simple question."

"Well, it kinda has a story behind it. I had asked Edward if vampires could sneeze and he said no. Then I called Jake and asked him if werewolves could sneeze and he said no. Then I asked Edward if vampires where ticklish and he didn't answear. A few days later I asked Emmett if vampires were ticklish and he said no. Then I called Embry-"

"Who?"

"Another werewolf. I asked him if werewolves where ticklish and he said yes.

Then I asked Emmett if vampires could cough and he told me to keep playing the PS3 game. Then when Jasper and I went to the library last Thursday and I asked him if vampires could cough and he sadi no. then I asked Quill-"

"Another werewolf?"

"Yah. He said werewolves can cough. Then I asked Jasper if vampires could hiccup and he didn't answer, he just kept reading."

"That doesn't sound like Jasper at all. Hm… Well, I'm asumeing that you will ask me if vampires can hiccup?"

"You asume right."

"No, vampires cannot hiccup. A hiccup happens when there is too much carbondioxide in the body to the diaphram exspells it, which is what a hiccup is. Since vampire don't need to breathe we don't turn oxagin into carbondioxide so we can't have too much in our diaphrame to hiccup out."

"Ah."

"I bet the others didn't explain it in such a tenchinal way, did they?"

"No, not really. May I please use your phone?"

"Of course. Who are you going to call?"

"Sam Uley. He's the leader."

Bella sent a smile to Carlisle then went to his wall phone. She dialed a number and waited three rings before someone picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi. Is this Emily? I'm Bella Swan."

"Oh, the Vampire Girl. Why are you calling? Are you in trouble? Where are you?"

"I have a question, no, Forks Hospital."

"Is someone else hurt?"

"No, I just needed to ask a medical question. Is Sam there?"

"Yes, please hold on a moment."

Carlisle sent Bella a bemused look while she was on hold.

"Hello, Bella?"

"Hi Sam. I just have a quick question. Can werewolves hiccup?"

"Hiccup? You want to know if werewolves can hiccup? How did you get this number? Did Jake give it to you? This is an unlisted number. Is this some kind of joke?"

"Yes, yes, I have my sources, no, I know, no."

"Well, if this isn't a prank, it's an odd question. No, werewolves can't hiccup. Now-"

"Thanks. Give my regards to Emily. Bye."

Bella hung up the phone and turned to a grinning Carlisle.

"I'm guessing all the werewolves had similar reactions to your randomly calling them and asking questions like that."

"Yes they did."

"I'm also guessing he doesn't know you're calling said werewolves?"

"Only when I called Jake."

"May I ask why you are asking these questions?"

"Yes."

"Why are you asking these questions?"

"That's for me to know and you the rest of you to ponder until next Saturday. I'll be coming over and setting up a slide show for you all."

"A slide show?"

"Yes. I'd have it sooner but I need to organize my data."

"Alright. I'll see you soon Bella."

"Bye Carlisle."


	5. Slide Show

Disclaimer: I, sadly, do not own anything to do with Twilight and New Moon, aside from the books. But, when I take over the world, I will own it all. And vampire books. I will own all the vampire books in the world.

I thought this one wasn't has funny, but its longer then the other chapters. I really looked up the stuff Bella's talking about.

Sneeze Slide Show 

by **Vampire Apple**

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he has deer horns."

-Jack Handy

It was a quiet, but exciding summer hour in Bella Swan's room. She had been gathering data for almost a month now. She had spent more time at the Cullen household, watching them closely for most of her information, but she did have to break down and ask a few questions.

She had compared all her information on the Cullens to what she had remembered from her time with Jake and his pack, though she did have to call and recheck her data a few times.

Bella grinned. Edward had nearly driven himself, and Bella, crazy trying to figure out what she was doing. She types up a few more things on her (very new, very expressive) laptop (that showed up on her desk one day, all assembled and all programs up to date with no recite so she couldn't take it up), saved and turned it off.

She went off to shower and sure enough, when she went back to her room her open personal Greek god was waiting for her.

The next day Bella went though her morning rituals while Edward made her breakfast. While she ate they had made small talk (i.e. Edward tried to find out why she was asking all those crazy questions).

After that didn't work he pouted for a few minutes. Then Bella suggested that they go over to his house. Edward agreed and helped her with her bag (i.e. he took the bag from a protesting Bella and put it in the back seat of his Volvo).

When they got the house Bella told Edward to gather every one in the house and put them in the livingroom. When Edward asked why she replied that she was going to tell every one why she kept asking questions.

Of course every one in the house was a vampire so they had super vampire hearing. Said vampires where all in the livingroom before Bella got here. Bella set up her equipment for her slideshow and closed all the blinds. Turning the room full of vampires Bella smiled and started talking.

"Well, over the past month or so I've been asking some weird questions and you all have been bugging me" here Bella glared at Edward who gave her a sheepish smile "to know _why_ I've been asking these questions. Well, I've been keeping a score sheet to see with if better, vampires or werewolves" Edward growled loudly at this and Alice hit him on the head "and now I'm going to present my findings."

Bella started up her slide show. The screen had a line run right down the middle. On one side was the word **Vampire **and on the other was the word Werewolf.

"Now, every time a vampire 'beats' a werewolf the **Vampire** section gets a heart, and vice versa. Only the Werewolf section gets a moon."

Jasper snorted.

Esme looked at jasper and he shrugged.

"How does one species beat another?" Alice asked.

"Oh, its just my option," Bella replied. Edward looked smug.

"Now, I researched books and movies. The first vampire film came out in 1909, called Vampire of the Coast. The first werewolf movie came out in 1913, called The Werewolf."

"What an unoriginal name," Emmett said.

"Emmett, be quiet and let me finish." Bella glared at Emmett and pressed a button on her laptop. A heart appeared under the **Vampire** section. "Since the first vampire movie came out there have been 278 movie to come out in America. Since 1913 only 66 werewolf movies have come out in America."

Another heart appeared under **vampire** section.

"Score one for us," Emmett said with pride.

"Quite Emmett. Now, I found that there are over 709 fictional vampire books published in America. There only about 650 vampire books in America."

Another heart appeared under **vampire** section.

"Also, vampires have a better hearing range…"

After an hour and a half of talking and the vampires had fifty-seven hearts and the werewolves had seventeen moons.

"Now, in conclusion, vampires can't sneeze, and werewolves can't sneeze" a heart and a moon appeared "vampires aren't ticklish and werewolves are" the vampires got a heart "vampires can't cough or hiccup and werewolves can" two more hearts appeared "so, really, vampires beat werewolves hands down and I should be one soon."

There was a stunned silence.

"That whole thing was to prove vampires are better then werewolves?" Carlisle asked.

"Yup."

"I could have told you that," Emmett commented.

Every one looked at Edward.

"You really want to be a vampire bad, don't you?"

"Yes."

"I guess we should set a date then…"

Fin 

I would like to thank all my readers, ones that reviewed and ones that didn't. This story has been a lot of fun to write and thank you for taking the time to read it/


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